With the 4th quarter rapidly encroaching upon summer vacation, many of our senior ACP staff members have turned attention to the 2019-2020 school year. With the official release scheduled for the final day of this school year, Mr. Bickes sent out, in a wave of emails, a so-called ‘teaser’ (his words, not ours) of incoming staff members to our school. Originally, the information he shared was only the first names of each new teacher, so there was not an extreme amount of information to report on. However, through a subtle and quick accident, the website’s faculty page was accidentally updated with the new teachers arriving to ACP.

Through these resources, we are excited to share the newest staff members you may see on campus next year!

Jeff Goldblum

The former Jurassic Park star has come to grace us with his presence. It may seem weird to have such a celebrity on campus, but he doesn’t seem to mind. Also, he keeps repeating that he is indeed Jeff Goldblum. On second thought, this may just be a man dressed as Jeff Goldblum, but we don’t mind!

Likes: [Redacted], and Archaeology.

Dislikes: Dinosaurs, Mr. Raptor.

Mrs. Heep

Apparently covering all ACP teachers whose last names begin with the letter ‘H’, it seems many people may see her daily. We don’t know anything more about her because clicking on her link only redirects us to a Wikihow article titled ‘How to Create Fake Names’.

Likes: N/A

Dislikes: N/A

Kevin ‘2.0’ Jagiello

Assuming the first model of Mr. Jagiello was an astounding success, it seems hard for Mr. Bickes to improve upon the original model. However, sources indicate that this version may have a longer battery life and a louder volume/bass amplifier. We can’t wait to learn about moles from across campus! Similarly, this version owns a jello store in downtown Chandler known as ‘Jello Jagiello’. Congratulations!

Likes: Loud noises, Tie-Dye, the late 1990’s hit TV show Friends, Jell-o.

Dislikes: The Sun.

Robert Montano

He’s not new, but it seems that our administrators thought it would be funny to see him teach a ton of random classes. Make sure to strike up a good conversation as he inevitably follows you through your first four periods!

Likes: Dancing, ASU.

Dislikes: Lobsters.

Veloci Raptor

Despite only existing as a joke rival to Mr. Goldblum, Veloci Raptor is a prominent historian and archaeologist. Known to growl at students for some reason, this completely human teacher is an odd but exciting addition to the staff. He’s been known to try to eat you, so avoid tutoring sessions at all costs.

Likes: Easy prey, Smurfs.

Dislikes: Jeff Goldblum.

Severus Snape

Assuming you didn’t finish the series, this makes perfect sense. Hope everyone’s ready to cook!

Likes: Being rude for no reason, but also being secretly a good man.

Dislikes: Annoying kids.

HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED

Honestly, he probably shouldn’t have been hired. We hope nobody here has a lightning scar on their face. It’s alarming that he became a teacher, considering how much he despises students.

Likes: Wizardry, being mean

Dislikes: Harry Potter, Mud-bloods (Sorry!)

Our returning students now have many incentives to be excited for next year; from Potions 101 to Montano running quickly from class-to-class, the 2019-2020 school year will surely be packed. Here’s to all of our remaining and incoming teachers! Remember to strive for the impossible, and stay away from Mr. Raptor.