Who is Decapitating Mr. Tyler’s Chickens?

In early September of this year, Mr. Michael Tyler awoke to a rather unpleasant surprise in his front yard: the body of one of his seven beloved chicken was lying next to its severed head. Two days later, another chicken and another head — this time in the backyard.

“Someone would have had to jump over the wall, go around the corner, open the fence, pick up the chicken, take it to the middle of the yard, and cut its head off, which is terrifying and freaky… because that’s a classic sociopath behavior, that’s how Jeffrey Dahmer got started” said Mr. Tyler when discussing the second murder.

Since that day, Mr. Tyler’s other chickens have remained unharmed, though he and his chicken family still live with the image of their dead family members lying by their severed heads. Why would someone harm a precious chicken? Is someone threatening Mr. Tyler? Who is the chicken murderer? I rank the possible theories out there.

4. Teenage Hooligans

This was the first theory which Mr. Tyler brought up, and one that makes a decent amount of sense. When you have an idiom like “running like a chicken with its head cut off,” you will probably get some teens who want to test it out. Classic teens. According to Mr. Tyler, the teens would have been disappointed with the results.

“When chickens are sleeping they’re in total comatose, so you can do anything to them and they won’t react.”

The teenage hooligan theory is not nearly as juicy as some of the others out there.

3. Deranged Rats

“I don’t want to admit it, but it might be rats. What they’ll do in times of crisis without food is go and kill chickens, biting their heads off since they’re so vicious and crazy. But then they won’t be able to do anything with the rest of the chicken because it’s covered in feathers;  they can’t get to the actual flesh.”

The rat theory is the one Mr. Tyler is going with, as it is probably the most plausible. However, who cares about plausibility, I want excitement.

Side note: Mr. Tyler now has nightmares about the rats.

2. An ACP Student or Teacher

Oh boy, I like this one, as it provides the most drama. One of Mr. Tyler’s students gets an F. The student is driven into a blind rage. The student heads to Mr. Tyler’s house, and starts chopping heads. Further interviews will need to be conducted with students to determine which has the most psychopathic tendencies.

On the teacher side, both Mr. Tyler and I have our own ideas.

Mr. Tyler believes it was… Miss Wishman???

“She lives in exactly the same neighborhood as me in Tempe, and she just knew a few too many details before I had told her the story. We all started getting suspicious that maybe it was her.”

When asked whether or not Miss Wishman might be a sociopath, Mr. Tyler replied that “Yeah, that’s potentially it. Or a vendetta.” Miss Wishman may seem like the kindest lady in the world, but apparently it’s all a facade. Very interesting stuff.

I fear it may be Mr. Martinez

1. He is a fan of the University of Arizona. What sane person chooses that?
2. Mr. Martinez knew that Mr. Tyler was a threat to his homecoming king dynasty, so he had to send his ex-student-teacher a message. Unfortunately for him, it failed.

1. Vigilante Justice

Vigilante justice? Had these chickens committed a crime? Allow Mr. Tyler to explain:

“My favorite theory is that it is the most dedicated vigilante ever. What I’m leaving out of the story is that in Tempe, you’re legally only allowed to have five chickens… and now I have five chickens. So the theory is that someone was so disgruntled by the fact that I had seven chickens that they went and made it right themselves.”

I am very entertained by the thought of some man roaming the neighborhood at night with a cape that says “Chicken Police” on it, just searching for some extra chickens to murder. Is there also a goat police? A pig police?

You may be asking yourself, who would get so worked up about this to go a slice a chicken’s head off? Come on, we all know someone. Your Uncle Gary is sitting in his reclining chair right now, brooding over all the HOA violations in his neighborhood. At night he goes out and paints people’s houses to the correct shade of beige, takes their garbage bins in, and murders extra chickens. I think the mystery is solved.

Bonus Content!

This is completely unrelated to the deaths of the chickens, but this quote from Mr. Tyler made me laugh:

“Chickens are by far the dumbest creatures. I love them, but they are by far the dumbest creatures. They have no defining characteristics, I don’t even know which two died, but now I know I have five and not seven.”

And then:

“If a chicken really worked for it and really tried its best and trained itself, a chicken could fly. Any chicken could fly if it wanted to, but no chicken in the history of ever has put in the work and the effort to fly. For me, that kind of describes the characteristics of chickens.”